The blurst week of my life (so far)

Contents:
What happened Nov 20-28th 2010

Day 1.

AM (Brisbane)

Since I booked on impulse, I didn’t anticipate numerous factors into my flight date. I did try to think of anything important, but a few things slipped my mind, like a show I bought tickets to. I somehow assumed that my flight was at 9pm, I don’t know why. And thought, At least I could catch a few hours of this show which started in the afternoon.

On the day of the flight, I printed my flight ticket, My flight was at 6pm. No chance of catching the show. I sold the ticket and headed towards the airport

PM (Melbourne)

I asked my friend to pick me up, on and off during the week, She thought I wasn’t going to Melbourne, Such a jestful personality I have?

When I arrived, I texted her, she was at Kmart because she was bored. I too do the same when I’m bored.

As seems to be far too common, my iphone battery was in the redzone. I tell them my location and tell them about the battery, they say to recharge it in the bathroom. I proceed.

She came a few minutes (hours) later with her brother. She was too scared to navigate to the city so she only took me halfway which I had no issue which, However, we did get lost on the way. The GPS on my iphone didn’t even work because we were so outback. Or my Iphone is shit. Which is equally as possible.

Later we arrive at the destination and I call a cab. I arrived around midnight on a Saturday so a cab would be difficult, as I discovered after 2 hours of calling and being put on hold. Hoorah for a big mobile bill.

I called at the local shopping center and after pretty much discussing everything about our lives, my friend said to call another cab to the house she used to live in which was down the street, since a cab would be more visible. While talking in front of her old house like some stalker, her old housemate pulls into the driveway. She gets out after he stares at her for about 5 minutes. Her brother and I consider getting out to be polite but the acceptable threshold of 5 minutes past and we decided it would be far to awkward. Anyway, after getting to know everything about my friends brother and waiting a few more minutes (hours) my cab finally arrives.

During this journey through several old, rapey towns and waiting for cabs, my friends who arrived in Melbourne far earlier than me since they decided to join my trip 2 months after I booked the tickets, were texting me enquiring about my ETA.

They were at some bar near the place we were staying. I place my bags in the room and continue to drink what seemed like endless amounts of alcohol which would not stay a unique experience.

What would seem like a prime time to explore the nightlife was ended when we decided to go for a short walk, where one of my friends, lets call him ‘the nose’ decides to go to bed early. I end up eating at some late night food court attached to the Crown Casino with my other friend, lets refer him as ‘the nerdy friend’. After eating at said food court at 2am, we continue our late night walk, and explore the city before deciding to head to bed since his brother was taking us to the Great Ocean Road next morning.

Day 2

We get up the earliest in our trip. Around 7am. We have breakfast at some place close by, where we discover our nerdy friend’s so called impeccable palette, where he is willing to sacrifice pretty much anything for the perfect meal, and will continue to complain endlessly if it doesn’t meet his criteria. I should also note, this so called foodie, doesn’t like mushrooms, or any green vegetables, doesn’t like chocolate even though I witnessed him eating chocolate various times, or eating ice cream. He had a big breakfast, which is typically; eggs, bacon, tomato, mushrooms, sausage, hashbrown, toast. He commented on the stale-ness of the bread, and said the eggs were shit. Shrug. His brother arrived. Or some guy who was chatting him up. It happened to be the first option as he sat at our table and introduced himself to us.

He looked nothing like our friend. But his mannerisms were exactly the same. He tells us about how he’s in the army. He has the typical masculine look. He looks at his brother’s toasts and comments on the stale-ness. Amazing. It runs in the family.

The trip was quite long. We took a few stops, one for a snack, one for lunch, one for the 12 apostles.

At the first stop, we walk around the town, it has a nice rustic beachside feel to it. And more importantly, There’s a fenced area with a fucking trampoline floor. Hey guys, ever had the urge to bounce or walk on the ground trampoline as flooring? Well I’ve fucking seen one, and It wasn’t even in an acid fueled dream. It had a bunch on kids jumping in it. Urgh, I continue to walk by, but with disappointment on my face and slight anger towards those random children that benefited from the endless fun on the trampoline area. The brothers get a milkshake and our friend’s brother goes to his brother “Hey is your milkshake also freakishly good?”. This becomes a reoccurring joke

Me and my friend call asleep during most of the car trip to the second stop. Such a shame since the scenery was so great. We decide to have lunch and walk along the shop fronts. My friend’s brother’s palette kicks into action as he glances at the plates of the diners, and the menu and continues walking. We do this twice. He comments on getting fishing rods and catching fish for fish and chips. I was so tired and hungry, all i heard was “hey guys, fish and chips?” I apparently answered enthusiastically and said, “yeah! sounds great” They laugh, and explain the last 10 seconds. We settle on some fish and chip place. The brothers complain about everything, and say the fish is probably the best thing out of the whole meal. Saying everything tastes old, or like rubber. Yeah guys, cool. Unless you’re eating an endangered fish, handcaught by bear and cooked by a Michelin star winning chef using the finest of ingredients and served on a gold plate, it probably tastes shit, we get it.

We head towards our next stop revitalized with sub par food. During the whole journey which lasted probably just under 2 hours, we played, Fuck, Marry Kill. It was mind blowing how we didn’t just play a couple of rounds and laugh it off and sleep, or talk about something else. Even as we got out of the car, our friends brother who was quiet the whole time, offered a selection. I was actually quite good, Julia Gillard, Anna Bligh, Mel from the Morning show. My friend offered the hottest girls we knew or from high school, I made them choose between an asian vice principal, the ugliest girl at school and our nerdy friend.

Saw some rocks, was ok

We headed back. Melbourne traffic made us miss our exit, and forced us to exit the car at a set of traffic lights. I felt bad that we just ran out of the car of someone we spent the whole day with.

I head to another friend’s hotel after eating at Taco Bill. He came for the weekend to see Jean Grae. I get to place hours later, with ice and sambuca.

After a few drinks and chattin’ we catch a cab to the gig with his girlfriend. Percee P was freestlying when we get there and I meet some other friends that came down for the gig. Percee P made me sad on the inside, Just not sure what he contributed to the show. Jean Grae, aka my gangster wife came on with a veil and did her show. It was amazing, before seeing her live, her music and her in general did nothing for me. Amazing what a live show can do. Pharoah Monch came on. Besides ‘SImon Says’ it was pretty weak. After the gig Percee P was trying to sell his CDs, talking to ‘fans’ and shouting out his myspace. Ahh success. The afterparty was supposed to be next door. We decide to head later, it was dead anyway, though I think they were in the backroom. I join my friend and his girl for shisha at some kebab store. It was probably the most pointless thing ever, probably why I don’t smoke. I bought a beer for my friend and put 20 straws in it as a joke, it foamed up, incredible. We catch a cab back to the city, I join my friends in the room. They’re both sleeping. I put a chair on their chest which startles him, I take a photo.

I ask my friends if they want Ice Cream, They look at me like I’ve just taken crack, and murmur “alright…”. I head downstairs and get three mint drumsticks. Mint may have been chosen for a particular reason. We eat this at 3am. It is a glorious time. Later I go to the bathroom and the byproduct is totally green. I rush to the room to tell my friend. He looks at me and goes back to bed. I go on a walk with my nerdy friend

Day 3

We get up at what would now be our normal waking time, 1pm. Breakfast at Irish Pub, Shrug, Guinness beer, meh, pretty French waitress

In the middle of our conversation our nerdy friend tries his hardest to tell a joke. I use the word joke in the loosest sense. My friend and I are casually talking when our other friend pretty much whispers the following, while looking down and seeming like he was having an internal struggle with himself the whole time thinking ‘STOP TALKING, nah break out of your shell continue the joke NO DON’T’, The ‘joke’ went like this:

“I should er… um… email Mark Zuck.. Zuckerberg or whatever or message him, to tell him to um… change his relationship status to in a erm.. relationship to Donny Sin or something”. I look at this the whole time in awe. Not one time did he look at us while delivering the worst joke in the world. He was looking down, rubbing his neck and glanced to the side a couple of times. I would rather smash a glass bottle against my head, pick up the pieces of glass and swallow them than listen to another one of his jokes.

After lunch we continue walking around, get lost, Dinner at Chinese place at midnight, go to rock climb, ‘the nose’ doesn’t want to because he’s a fucking pussy, it is closed, consider strip club for friends birthday, oh yeah it was friends birthday, early night instead

We borrow a pack of cards from the service desk. The guy working behind the counter is over unenthuasiastic. He doesn’t care about anything. He out ‘Daria’s me. I ask if all the cards are there, he says he doesn’t care and to take the cards. We’re suppose to leave something as deposit but he says just to return them. Right.

We end up going to the rooftop and play cards. There’s a bunch of ladyboys gossiping and a british guy listening to his iPod. After about 15 minutes of watching us, he asks if we want to play a game of poker. We get out all the coins we have on us. My friends have no idea how to play so he goes through a crash course to teach them. Eventually I bankrupt my friends and it’s just me and the British guy playing. He’s the typical shit talker. One of the ladyboys asks if we can teach him to play. The British guy doesn’t say anything, I can tell he doesn’t want to. The ladyboy keeps persisting and we persuade him not to play. Apperantly he lost 10,000 the other night at the casino after drinking too much. All those sexual encounters on the street for payment and he loses it all, amazing. Eventually the British guy leaves when he realises he breaks even and leaves. I consider living in Melbourne and becoming a gambler or a street artist, specialising in chalk drawings. I could live off water and old fruit. Then at night time I could play drums or dance, maybe be a tour guide or a professor at my own college. My mind wanders.

Day 4

Go shopping, friend wants my advice and says he wants to be stylish like me, he’s only human, I feel flattered, Give him a selection of clothes which he all loves. Maybe I should be a personal stylist.

We head back to our room, I lose my iPhone temporarily, my nerdy friend, in a poor attempt for a joke says, “you should get a iPhone so you never lose it, since it’s always in your eye”. I cringe so hard. There’s a trivia night at the place we’re staying. I suggest we do it, since the last time I did a trivia night worked out so well (Sarcasm). There’s 2 people, we leave.

We go to the casino. I play a game of ‘spin the wheel’, I believe that’s the official name for it. I lose half my bet, I just bet the rest of the chips again, I lose it all. Total time=30 seconds.

So upstairs to the casino club, have one of the drunkest moments of my life.

There’s some live 70/80′s band playing, and apparently several work parties on that night too. I talk to a few girls, pretty over it though, but since our nerdy friend is actually having a good time for once, I pretend to have a good time and whatnot. This guy from Perth wants me to wingman him, we meet some girls from Brisbane, what a small world, but decide to head somewhere else, I bail on my friends, they seem to be having a good time anyway, they met some kids from New Zealand: hot girl with curly hair, a lesbian, the fattest person i’ve ever seen, and her apparent doormat husband. The fat one was talking and flirting with my friend, my friend tends to attract fat people into his life like magnets.

We get a recommendation to a club in the city, cab it over, it’s raining so the city’s pretty quiet. We talk to the bouncer for a bit about differences in our states, where is good, etc. I remember at one point the guy from perth says “In perth instead of stopping street fights, police fucking rape girls in alleys”, the bouncer goes “Yeah heard about that, messed up man”. The guy from Perth says “but I mean what would you rather do, stop fights with huge drunk fucks or have a gangbang” “… I’m not into gangbangs” Incredible.

We head back to the Casino, meet my friends again, A girl I bought a shot for is so drunk she falls every 3 minutes, I dance with my friends for a bit and sit down. My nerdy friend runs up for some fucking reasons and sits next to me. I say to him “don’t let me stop you from having a good time man, seriously, you were having a good time before I came, go and have fun”. He says no. For fucks sake. I decide to dance to get him up again, all he does is walk over to a pillar, cross him arms and look at the dancefloor like a murderer. Great. The New Zealand kids leave, we say bye to each other and we end up leaving soon afterwards anyway.

Day 5

We try and convince our big nosed friend to rock climb, apparently aside from spiders, it’s his biggest fear. Obviously his balls aren’t proportionate to his nose size. Obviously we insult him for the next 3 hours of rock-climbing.

We head to a Korean Restaurant afterward. It had a review by a big newspaper stuck on the front window, along with the other 5 Korean restaurants right next it to. At this one however they actually cooked the food in front of you, instead of giving you slabs of meat, a hotplate and walking away.

PM

We thought we’d try our luck again at the casino again, but at the club opposite to the place we went to the other night. The girl wearin a promotional t-shirt standing in front of the enterance asks where I’m going tonight, I ask for a recommendation, before I could even finish my sentence she recommends the R&B club she’s promoting. What a promo jorge.

We head in, they scan our ID’s. I notice the autodetect program is glitchy, It recognises and stores my name as Boug Slm.

I don’t want to spent too much on drinks, half of the money I’ve spent on the trip so far has probably gone to drinks. We take rounds in shouting each other Bacardi and cokes and pretty much smash them down as fast as possible.

All of a sudden my big nosed friend has a shocked expression on his face. He notices a girl that looks exactly like his sister. This is the greatest moment ever. I make it my duty to get a photo of her. I go through numerous strategies, waiting til she goes and gets a drink and talk to her, stealthily take a photo near her while she’s dancing, etc etc. She never gets a drink so I go with the later option. My friend leaves because he feels uncomfortable. What a pussy.

I manage to get a photo and send it to him. He messages me back and we meet up. He can’t stand R&B, and to be honest as much as I sometimes like R&B, I think the term, ‘good R&B club’ doesn’t exist.

After a break from the club, we head back up. In a moment of hilarity, my friends sister’s doppelganger just happens to walk by as we walk back in and checks him out briefly. I laugh so hard.

I try to get our nerdy friend to talk to a girl, I confer to my other friend and see who is suitable. Obviously we find noone. My friend goes for a drink, I meet eyes with this girl and we smile. I think, why not. I go up to her and say “Hey, could you talk to my friend?”. She laughs. “Is this some joke?” she replies. “Haha, No he’s really shy, he rarely goes out, it was his birthday, come on, it won’t hurt”. She agrees. I hi-5 my other friend while they shake hands. Their whole conversation lasted as long as their introduction. How embarrassing. I end up talking to her for the next 15 minutes anyway, Turns out she’s a air hostess that works for the emirates and that she’s staying nearby for 2 days. I get her number, She looks so shocked, “My number?!, yes its …”, exchange pleasantries and leave.

While walking out and saving the number I realised I didn’t even get her name. I essentially picked up an air hostess without getting her name. Incredibad.

We went back to the place we were staying and my big nosed friend and I sat in the bathroom just talking about life for the next 3 hours, proceeded to go for a walk, and finally went to bed. These long deep and meaningful talks would occur on a nightly basis from then on.

Day 6

AM: Memory blank

PM: Sexpo. Was pretty underwhelming, more of a place you’d take your gf/bf/lover/fuck buddy/wife/husband/etc, though the amateur strip show was totally tits. Girls with tattoos (and low self esteem) know how to move.

Left prematurely (er..) and went back to the room briefly. We had some drinks and headed to the Billboard after a few recommendations. The bouncer asked if we knew what was going on tonight. I checked before that night, and it was some toolies & schoolies night, and I heard something about some Triple J presenter’s birthday. For some stupid reason, I said no, and they said it was a private function and to come back later. A few days later I found out that John Safran was there and rapping. FML.

Was considering a rooftop bar again but decided just for a chilled night. Got a few recommendations for the Carlton Club, it was a pretty cool place. The nose and I went in first since our other friend was so hungry that if he drank more without eating he’d throw up. We order a jug, have a good time and get a message from our friend (who after telling him about our plans for going out, possibly to a rooftop bar, says he’s ready and walks out with the same cheap, old and dirty polo shirt and jeans he was wearing while sleeping 5 minutes prior) that reads: “Can’t get in. Members only!!!”. I laugh so hard for about 17 minutes. When we got in, the bouncer asked how many of us there were. I said two, and he let the nose and I in, while rejecting the people behind us for being ‘non members’.

I ask a couple of people if you can even be a membership in this club. They say no. More laughter. Our friend in the meantime is messaging us, saying he might just go home, since we have to get up early the next day. Guilt. This is the emotion we should be feeling.

We made a wager earlier that night, if he can’t speak to a girl tonight he has to shout entry to a strip bar. I feel that it’s his right for being so shit, that he should at least be punished, so I say that we bought a few jugs for him and we’d head out right after finishing them. Lie Lie Lie. We only ordered one and we were halfway through. He messages us 5 minutes later asking how much longer we’d be. I say we’re nearly done but the nose is in the toilet and that we’d RUN out as soon as he’s back. Of course in reality, he’s sitting right next to be and asking if he should order more drinks. I laugh, as tempting as this sounds my morals take over me. We later would come to decide that the best course of action would have been to let him just go home.

We eventually head out and call him. He said he’d be there soon. For fucks sake. He eventually comes, in his nerdy form, poor posture and weird psychopathic smile. We tell him there’s no such thing as members, he goes on some rant we don’t listen to. I hail a cab and we ask the cab driver to take us to kitten. He of course is Indian and the conversation goes something like this “Oh you guys want a special time eh?” “yeah maybe, what’s it like?” “It’s a brothel” “What? Someone was saying it’s a strip bar” “yes, the lower level is a strip bar” “oh right, yeah take us there” “So you guys want some pussy huh? This isn’t no shit strip bar, they give you the full girlfriend experience and let you touch, unlike those other shit clubs” “uh…” “wouldn’t your girlfriends be angry?” “my girlfriend knows, she doesn’t mind” “you lucky man”. The remainder of the trip is pretty much him going on about which other places to head, essentially giving us a sex tour. So why does India have such a large population again?

I really really need to go to the bathroom, I consider going behind a warehouse, a tree, a car, but decide not to be potentially arrested, since I already paid $600 in fines a few days earlier. Our nerdy friend was supposed to pay since he was being a fuckhead, but as a typical fuckhead he didn’t pay, and the nose had to pay, since I only had a card. We head in and I rush for the bathroom. Once again my friends closely follow me and wait for me outside the bathroom. Seriously guys, don’t be such pussies, I said I’d be right back or that I’d message you guys.

It’s quite packed, a mixture of men from various ages, and a few dykes. All the girls are quite attractive. We head upstairs (2nd level, which isn’t the brothel yet), my friend who thinks it’s a brothel gives me a look. The nerdy friend asks us for the ATM. How the fuck should we know, we tell him to ask the bartenders. He says no. For fucks sake. They’re not strippers, they’re just bartenders. He walks away and goes to look for it himself. I regret bringing him, such a pussy, always bringing down the mood.

He comes back about 20 minutes later and like clockwork some British stripper comes along and tries to chat us up. The private dances at this place starts at $20 and the girls go all out, let you touch, make out with you, etc. She asks if we want a dance, We throw our friend into the metaphorical traffic and she takes his hand and he follows. This is mind blowing. A 20 something year old virgin, lives with parents, works in IT, typical anti-social, always complaining, possible asexual, hates talking about sex, etc etc is agreeing to this. When we mentioned taking him to a strip bar on his birthday using code he seemed angry, and refused the whole notion of a strip dance. Even at the sexpo, he refused a strip dance. Saying someone is going to die. Funny how things can change in minutes.

The room for the private dance has a large glass panel that allows full viewing. We observe our friend with his hands gripping the arms of the chair tightly and looking straight ahead. He seems so shocked/scared/confused/angry. As soon as he sits down, he hands over $50. Hmm. A few minutes in, I say to my friend “if he randomly snaps and hits her, I will run and let him deal with it by himself”. Luckily this doesn’t happen, but after a few minutes, much shorter than he other dances, she starts to put on her panties. All of the guys waited til their dancer put on all of her clothes and walked out with her. Our friend instantly got up and power walked out as soon as she picked up her underwear. She didn’t even get one leg into her panties before he got up.

He comes up to us and said he had a good time. Yeah, totally looked like it. She didn’t kiss him. I don’t blame her.

I don’t think i’ve seen our friend brush his teeth once during the whole trip, He doesn’t like gum, and he still smells when he comes out of the shower. I bet when he gets in he pops up an umbrella, sets a timer for 15 minutes, then walks out and goes on about how good the shower was. Whenever he walk into the room and he’s there first, we can smell him in the hallway. I remember my friend saying “There’s yellow bits in his teeth” “I believe that call it plaque?” “I think its corn” “We didn’t have corn the whole week” “…”. I joked with my friend saying we could probably sell a cologne that noone would buy that smells exactly like him, all you would need is 3 ingredients, vinegar, urine, and chocolate. I said he probably washes his clothes in a bleach made from urine and washes himself in a vinegar based scrub imported from Ireland.

She asks us for a dance, we deny.

We stay for a while. My friend asks me that he feels like going. I ask where, he shrugs, I say to him “Dude I’m cool with leaving, but at least have a plan or somewhere you want to go, I don’t want to head somewhere and have Asexual Albert get denied and spend the whole night looking for places that he can’t get into.” He stays silent. Either they wanted to stay longer or they had no leadership. After an amusing show where they dress up some guy and put on a show for about 30 mintes and another approach by this hilarious girl that totally dominated my friend (girls with power <3), I text my friend one word. “Carlton?” . My other friend looks over and sees the message. I could have easily distracted him so he didn’t see it, but I didn’t bother. We both head out and get dropped off in the city.

We talk about what we’re going to do. I say I still want to do something and convince my friend to head out. “Last night in Melbourne, Let’s just do it!”. I was hoping the other one would decide to stay in but he follows us. I try to reference that we won’t be able to get in many places, No idea where we’re going, and other things to try and get my friend to decide himself to head home. It didn’t work.

We head to this one place, after settling. I tell them I’m going for a glass of water at the bar and that I’d be back soon, as usual they follow me. Hmm. It’s 3am, the DJ is playing ‘Rock Lobster’, ‘Rock around the clock’, etc amongst some other genres, and the dancefloor is packed, in this obscure club in the middle of the city. This would never happen in our hometown. Our nerdy friend is just standing there, not moving. My friend says to him “man, loosen up or go home”, he says bye and leaves. I go after him and decide, “fuck him”. We hang out for about another hour and get something to eat.

This girl comes up to be and says my scarf is beautiful. I think I was wearing it on my head, I talk to her for a bit and then walk away. I eat with my friend and talk about our shit friend and life. We consider not going back into the room til check out since he might kill us or something. My DSLR is in the room, its worth over $2000. Hmmm, fuck. We slowly walk to the place we’re staying and watch ‘rage’ at 5am. I say that we should at least sleep for 3 hours since it’s better than nothing. My friend goes “nah man, if you sleep you feel more tired”. I ask him if he’s ever done a all nighter before, he says no. I like how he creates theories out of nothing. I’ve had several all nighters and the feeling the next day is like death. After a while we give up and head to the room. Our friend asks us how our night was. I look at my camera. It’s not broken, thank fuck. We end up sleeping and my friend is snoring so loudly that I consider putting in earplugs.

Day 7 (Last day in Melbourne)

We get up at 8am. All I want to do is get back to bed. We should have let our friend go home, enjoy our night, get to bed early. We check out and put our bags in storage, what to do for a whole day?

Never more in my life have I wanted to sleep on the spot. I look into every alleyway, “this one seems dry and less drug-esque, I could nap behind that bin for at least 3 hours and not get stabbed”. It was raining the night before and the park benches would have been saturated. There was however a giant fake Christmas tree in the park, I wondered if there was a secret enterance to get inside it and nap for a few hours. This thought process went on for another half an hour.

There happened to be elderly ladies in the city centre with hat’s with the letter ‘I’ on it. I presumed they were the city information desks in human form. I asked them for anywhere to sleep, realized how odd what I said started, stopped midsentence and asked if there were any ‘cinema theatres’ nearby. I should have really slept more. She laughed and asked if I had a big night and proceed to talk more. I thought about ways I could kill myself so I could stop listening to her talk and sleep at the same time. Finally she gives us the address of the cinema, we thank her for giving us vital information on our quest to illegally sleep in public.

We eventually arrive at the cinemas and I say to my friend to buy a ticket to whatever, since we’d be sleeping anyway. He buys a ticket to Harry Potter. I consider suicide once again. If by any chance I wake up from my nap and catch a scene of Harry Potter, I would throw myself into traffic. I don’t know why my friend bought tickets to it, he said he’d be watching it again with his family in a few days. His family must be into self torture.

We head in, and I prepare to nap. There’s a bunch of shitty kids talking about stupid shit behind us. The urge to punch them in the mouth increases everytime they segue into a topic that amazingly is more stupid than the one before. 15 minutes later a staff from the cinema comes in and tells us the projector broke down and that they will refund us. The sleeping gods just don’t want me to sleep.

I decide to see ‘due date’, which is 30 minutes later

Sleep through the first few advertisements and trailers, end up watching the whole film, nearly sleep at the end.

We have something to eat. Enter something worthwhile. After lunch we decide what to do. I wanted a haircut, my friend wants one to, our nerdy friend shaves his hair himself since he was 9 or something. He goes on about us wasting our money, something something. I stop listening and nearly get hit by a car. I secretly wish I did, or it hit my friend. We get a haircut, the girl flirts with us, end up pretty much leaving for the airport straight afterwards.

The last thing we did in Melbourne was get a haircut. How eventful.

Can’t remember much else between then and my arrival back in shit-town aka Brisbane. I think the following happened:
Bus ride to airport (a cab driver gave me his card when he heard I needed to go to the airport and quoted me $100, pass), metal detector went off on me (I had a coin in my pocket, urgh), saw a bunch of young girls come in (schoolies probably, typical set up of mainly hot girls and a fat one), eyes nearly burst on descent, went home and watched dvds til 4am, looked out the window, it was bright and I heard birds, Fuck.

Sunday

I wake up at some ridiculous time, I should be in the city in a couple of hours for a show and the work Christmas party. Look at my phone and a couple of messages. Urgh. I manage to get some housework done and head towards the city.

The whole journey I look out the window and think “Back in this shithole, urgh”.

I get a message from my friend, apparently his mother ran into our nerdy friend’s mother, who seemed REALLY excited he was out of the house and had friends. How she was mistaken. She was probably having sex the whole time he was out of the house anyway, she has like 7 children if not more and is quite old. Fantastic visual right there…

Walk by one of the managers at my work while in the city, exchange a few words and I tell him I’ll be there later in the night. I head to my Brazilian friend at the down under bar. I joke with her saying it’s the dirtiest place in the world and that if you go there, you’ll probably be raped or fingered in the corner.

It was some Brazilian party, So many incredible Brazilian girls <3. They were having some dance competition and they were all cheering for the fat pale girl. I must have missed the meeting. It was literally like a strip show where the clothes stayed on. Most of the Brazilians had this constant sleepy look to them, but one of the dancers was overenergetic. My theory is, either she’s from Portugal or half Brazilian.

The Fatty won by a landslide and won an iPod. She’ll probably trade it for a burger later anyway.

I head upstairs for the show I came for, they were still in opening sets. I get something to eat at the bar and they hand me a meal that was just sitting there. Hmmm. After catching up with my friend I head other to the Christmas party and say to everyone I’d be back in time for the headliner.

The Christmas party was well underway. Everyone greeted me and I catch up with everyone. Apparently basic spirits got removed from the tab within 30 minutes. Hmmm. We pose for a group photo, which was taken by phones and digital cameras, I opt to take photos with my DSLR. I capture some dirty moments.

About a quarter of the girls get so drunk they pretty much get kicked out.

I got in the car and headed home, thought, what a great week… then randomly a thought came to my head, Fuck, Kill, Marry, hmmm